Life, Why Do You Hate Me So?
by Implying Implications
Summary: Now this is the story all about how Noah's life got flipped-turned upside down. And he'd like to take a minute to tell you how several fellow contestants fell in love with him and drove him insane. Parody of Noah pairings and harem plots. Contains Nizzy, NoCo, Nourtney, Nawn, Neather, Notie, Nosay, Nidgette, and Nova. Will Noah survive this ordeal or end up picking someone?
1. Prologue

**This fic will either be the best idea I've ever had or make me a Total Drama fandom heretic.**

**After reading a few fics with the plot that can easily be surmised as "Duncan/Ezekiel/Cody charms a lot of girls and then has to pick one", I decided I HAD to parody this type of fic. But who could I use to turn this usually dramatic genre in fanfiction to something silly?**

**Who else but Noah-it-all?**

**As such, a lot of romance cliches will be played with, poked fun at, deconstructed, and just turned plain silly.**

**This fic is rated T for language, slapstick humor and silly jokes, suggestive themes, non-explicit nudity, plain ole crack writing, and Izzy, who has a plan even crazy for her (and it's a plot point!) You have been warned.**

**As a side note, this fic will be strictly in Noah's POV, unless a chapter dictates otherwise. Here we go.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Total Drama, or its characters. This is nothing more than silly parody. **

* * *

**Prologue**

* * *

My name is Noah Intan. I'm nineteen years old, and I'm a former cast member of Total Drama. But you kids are bright, so I'm sure you already knew that.

Guess what? I'm unhappy with you fans right now. Because of you pairing me up willy-nilly in fanfiction, fate decided, "Hey! Let's make that real! Noah would loooove that!"

Screw you too, fate.

As the band, The Eagles, once sang: "I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, I've got seven women on my mind. Four that wanna own me, two who wanna stone me, and one says she's a friend of mine."

Well, let's make that seven women and one guy and Eva.

I've never had a preference in my sexuality, despite your debates. I'm not straight, but I'm not homosexual. There's a middle road, people! Girls, boys, crossdressers, trannies. Doesn't matter to me. Pansexuality.

And no, that doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to pans, thank you very much.

Now that that's out of the way, maybe I should let you know about my seven romantic options, shouldn't I?

Since I know you're all falling over yourselves to make sure, yes, Cody is one person who is attracted to me and is the guy I mentioned. It's actually quite common for there to be one guy involved in this kind of thing, right?

Sierra isn't taking it well. She's one of the people who now hates my guts.

Then there's Izzy. Other than Owen and Eva, Izzy and Cody were the other two people I was closest to on the show. That pretty much spells the cliche, "My best friends are in love with me." Izzy also wants me to get together with all seven of them. Why don't you have a normal brain, Izzy?

It only gets worse from here, folks.

I actually found it a shock to know Courtney was vying for my affections. I mean, hell, we only spoke thrice on the show. And even then, they were freaking insults! _One of which, she hit me with a glass! _But from many years of anime watching, I guess this is what you can call "tsundere." Slap, slap, kiss and all that jazz.

Katie was also surprising. I tolerated her and Sadie fine. They were loud, but I enjoyed their presence while we were at Playa des Losers.

You can assume what happened next. Let's just say both Sadie and Sierra hate my guts. But we'll go into that later.

Then there's Dawn, who came out of literally nowhere. Thankfully, this left very few unfortunate implications in comparison to the rest.

Eva was an awkward addition. I found her as one of my closest friends, nothing more.

These last three are really bittersweet for different ways. The bitter being, I, Noah Intan, accidentally broke up three couples of Total Drama. That's right. Gidgette, AleHeather, and Tysay are no more.

The sweet part will really make me look like a jackass.

I'll admit it. I had a crush on Bridgette during World Tour, so it's nice that she likes me. I hated Alejandro, so to see his ex pine over me is icing on the cake.

But Tyler and Lindsay was more bitter than sweet. Yes, Lindsay's hot, partially because of the two floatation devices she calls breasts, but Tyler's my friend. Well, _was my friend._

List of people who hate my guts: Alejandro, Geoff, Sadie, Sierra, and unfortunately, Tyler.

Aside from the group of people driving me insane, I do have someone to keep me sane. My best friend, Owen.

Where did this start? Where it always does. From the devil himself.

Chris Mother-flyin' McLean.

He just couldn't let Total Drama die after it was cancelled. He just had to pull some strings to make a show showcasing the thirty-seven of us all attending one college. I'm not even sure how that was possible, especially since the fourth season contestants are two years younger than us.

But he did. Thus, Wawanakwa University was born and we were forced to it. How? Well, as for myself, I wanted to go to America and study at Harvard, but apparently my acceptance letter was revoked thanks to, "Unforeseen conditions." The same happened to every other college I was accepted to.

Unforeseen conditions my tan ass. Chris bribed them.

But I digress. You guys probably don't care about my bellyaching, do you? You want to hear about the many misadventures of me and the seven people who, despite all, fell in love with me.

...Which I still don't get. A short bastard with a terrible personality and a forehead the size of Mars is the object of affection for a casanova, a surfer chick, a queen bee, a hippie, a super model, a valley girl, a counselor-in-training, and a psycho hosebeast.

Whatever. Sit back, grab some popcorn and a coke, and enjoy my suffering.

You see, it all began...

* * *

**And there's the prologue. Like it? Dislike it? Love it? Hate it? Worried for Noah's safety and/or sanity? Have a guess on who Noah will pick? Wanna sock me in the nose for making this? Then if you want, leave a review and tell me your thoughts.**

**Until the next chapter.**


	2. Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire

**Woah, I wasn't stoned for having this idea? Go figure.**

**Regardless, welcome to the official first chapter of this crack fest. It seems that NoCo, Nizzy, Nourtney, and Nother are currently the favorites right now, but that might change as the story continues.**

**Besides, our favorite bookworm isn't quite happy with any decision seeing as they're driving him mad, huh?**

**So you'll know, this story will be slightly long, with four arcs, all roughly containing thirteen chapters each. The first two arcs (chapters 1-26) take place before the In Medias Res Prologue, while the last two arcs (chapters 27-52, plus the epilogue which all take place after all of the events mentioned in the prologue.)**

**Without further adieu, chapter one.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Total Drama. But that's pretty obvious.**

* * *

**Arc One, Chapter**** One: Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire**

* * *

You see, it all began over a year ago with shocking news.

Season five was the last season of Total Drama.

Was I upset that I wasn't chosen to participate in the last season? No. The million dollars wasn't worth the emotional and physical torture. I enjoyed staying at Playa des Losers while the chosen few participated.

Heather, Courtney, Gwen, Owen, Duncan, Sierra, Harold, Alejandro, Lindsay, Lightning, Cameron, Mike, Dawn, Jo, Zoey, and Brick participated. In the end, it ended up as the final two of Mike and Sierra, with oddly enough, neither winning. They both tied in the final challenge which ended up with the case being destroyed by a laser cannon (it's a loooong story, trust me.)

At least there wasn't a winner who was already in the final four, right? Er, no offense to Owen. Various forms of offense to Sierra, Duncan, and Heather.

We spent the next week after the finale at Playa des Losers. Thinking this is the last time we were ever going to see each other, I spent most of my time with the friends I had made over the series.

Yeah, I know. Me making friends. Almost as much of a shocker as ending up with seven people romantically chasing me. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I wished I could have made more time to hang with Owen, honestly. I mean, he is my best friend and all, but I just had to be dragged by my other so called friends.

Cody spent a lot of time using the anti-me and myself (sometimes at the same time, to both of our chagrin), to hide from Sierra. Spending an entire season away from her "Codykins" was a toll on her. Cody, however, wanted a lomger break from Sierra. Sure, he accepted her, but he's not a flat-out idiot. They're friends, but she's still stalkerlicious.

Katie and Sadie would talk my ear off often, Katie a little more than Sadie. Contrary to popular belief, I do not speak valley girl. It was almost like trying to translate an entirely different language. I only speak English, French, German, and slight Hindi, thank you.

Tyler and I didn't hang out as much as we'd have liked either. But that's to be expected when his make out sessions with Lindsay were so frequent that several of us believed he was eating her. Hell, I think Ezekiel brought that up now that he isn't a snarling, mutated Pokèmon.

But I digress.

I spent most of my time, admittedly, with Izzy and Eva. Yes, after so long, Team E-Scope was reunited. In fact, we spent a lot of time together throughout this season anyway. Apparently brains, brawn, and... Whatever the hell Izzy is, makes a good combination.

The second to last day, however, was much different, and that honestly scared me. In hindsight, I should have known what happened at the end of the day would have happened.

Izzy wasn't anywhere to be found.

That's never a good sign.

I found myself lounging at the pool's juice bar, when none other than the Iron Woman herself, Eva, swam up to me.

"Yo, big head," she curtly greeted, "Where's our ball of hyperactivity?"

I looked up from the book I was reading and gave Eva a confused look, "She wasn't bothering you?"

"She was," Eva corrected, "I found her rummaging through my stuff and crap, but then she took off."

"I really don't want to know how she got in your room." No, really. There was no telling.

"Well, she did," was the muscular female's grumpy reply, "She better not have messed up my suitcases too bad. I'm ready to leave this dump."

"You're not going to miss me and the loon?" I tried to stay as aloof as possible. Sure, I was heartless and cynical at almost all times, but the chances of the cast meeting again, unless they were dating or lived close by each other, was pretty slim. I lived near Owen and Tyler, so I didn't worry about them. But Izzy lived in an entirely different Canadian Province, and Eva currently lived in some third world country I couldn't even pronounce. After tomorrow, we might never be Team E-Scope again.

Ugh. What was I thinking? Damn sentimentality. I was supposed to have gotten rid of that in second grade.

"You going soft on me?" Eva asked, her usually sour expression curling into a smirk.

I rolled my eyes, snarking back, "As soft as those steroid pumped muscles of yours, Iron Woman."

Her smirk curled back down, and I noticed she hoisted herself up to sit down in the bar stool next to me. "You and Izzy were two of the first friends I ever had. Of course I will."

"And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day," I teased back, earning me a rough punch in the arm.

"You're insufferable."

My pained grimace changed to a pained smirk, "Thank you."

We spent a few minutes chitchatting before Eva bailed back out into the water, telling me, "Gonna finish my exercise. Promised Jo, Brick, Tyler, and Lightning we'd have a race later."

"Knock 'em dead." She nodded at my deadpan reply, and headed off to finish her morning routine.

It was amazing how much like Sims we all were. Everyone did almost the same thing every day at the Playa. For example, Eva always did a morning routine of exercises, Trent would always play his guitar by the docks at two-thirty in the afternoon, and Chef would always yell at Owen for eating all of the food at dinner time.

However, it felt like one Sim had been deleted from the "virtual house" of sorts for a day. I didn't see Izzy as the morning changed to noon. I did see Alejandro (who had a metallic arm, but was otherwise Darth Vader free) playing "Argue, flirt, kiss" with Heather around ten. As I made it to the middle of my book, I had to hear Staci talking incessantly to DJ (who was trying to be nice enough to listen). But as noon rolled by, still no hide or hair of Izzy.

No wonder I seemed to not have a migraine.

However, her presence wasn't completely invisible, as I quickly learned from Cody. Well, from Cody incessantly tapping on my shoulder like it was a game show buzzer.

"Welcome to Club Cody Hideaway," I deadpanned, "How can I help you escape Sierra today?"

"Not now, Noah," Cody seemed annoyed, "Since Eva's having the same problem with me, I thought it'd be best to go to the other person Izzy's closest to."

What. "Let me guess. Izzy was in your room?"

"Yep."

"Digging in your stuff?"

"How'd you know?"

"Eva," I explained simply, causing Cody to "ahhh" in response.

We were both silent for a moment before the gap-toothed brunette added, "What do you think's her problem?"

"Cody, you're a straight A student," I lowered my book, unamusedly, "I think you know why."

Cody's eyebrows furrowed in a way that I would have found adorable if he wasn't, well, Cody. He finally uttered the obvious, "Uh, no?"

"You. Me. Season one. Ear kiss. Cody understand?" I patronized, causing Cody's usual grin that he had when he had a good response back to appear on his lips.

"You might think I can understand caveman speak," he shot back, "but at least I don't have the forehead of one!"

Ouch. Second head or forehead joke of the day. My head wasn't that big... right?

Silence.

Incoming late Cody realization in three, two, one...

His eyes widened as he exclaimed, "She still thinks that?! Wait... Then why was she in Eva's stuff?"

"She thinks I'm an asexual."

"Yeah, so?"

His response was so matter-of-fact that it slightly annoyed me.

"I'm not asexual, Cody," I reminded, "Said ear kiss had to have been caused by someone. And the fact that I obviously hugged Bridgette in the Yukon is subject to crashing that claim, too."

"So," Cody's voice sounded a bit uneven, which was odd for him, "You're bisexual?"

I arched a brow at his uneasiness, but couldn't hint if it was "Well, crap, that's a shock" or "OH, DEAR GOD, HE'S GOING TO INFECT ME. I'M STRAIGHT, DUDE. I LOVE GWEN- GIRLS, DUDE!"

I finally responded with, "Close. Pansexual. Before you ask if I've ever spooned some pots and pans, go look it up."

"I know what pansexual means, Noah," he responded, strangely defensive sounding.

"Look, Cody-"

"Whatever. Later."

And there he went. This day was starting off real well. My otherwise chipper mood earlier had been soiled, and I truthfully didn't feel like reading any more of my book. Taking a jump to try to make it from my bar stool to the ground, in avoidance of getting my book wet, I squealed as I fell backwards into the pool.

I probably deserved that. I so wanted to read the ending later, too.

Curse you, water. You and your underhanded destruction of perfectly crafted literature.

* * *

After taking a trip back to my room to change into my usual wardrobe, I decided to hang in the lobby of the hotel portion of the Playa and simply people watch (and offer witty banter as the need arose.)

Unfortunately, all I saw was Gwen and Duncan being gushy in their own dark ways (I didn't comment on that because I didn't feel like having Pierced Lip's fist in my face right then); got an earful of Harold's completely obvious and useless factoids (which would have been too easy to mouth off back to); and caught a glimpse of Eva, Tyler, Jo, and Lightning racing (Shame I didn't get to comment on that, but Tyler tripped and looked moderately hurt before he loudly exclaimed that he was okay and ran off.)

What? I can have moments of sympathy for other people's well beings.

Sometimes.

On occasion.

I was brought out of my complete boredom by a certain pair of wonder twins.

"Like, hi, Noah!" Katie greeted, grinning.

I rested my chin on my palm, answering, "And to what do I owe this headache inducing visit?"

Sadie frowned, "Well, you don't have to be so mean, Noah."

That did come out more as an insult than a snarky reply, didn't it? I blamed it on still feeling like crap about the Cody thing.

That and the fact that now I'll never know if the grey bearded headmaster dies or not.

Well, I would, seeing as a couple weeks later, I bought a new copy of the book.

...Why was I so upset about a several year old book again? Everyone already was spoiled on that answer anyway.

"Anyway," Katie tried to clear the mood, "How's sitting in a chair? And stuff?"

"Look, Katie," I began, before mentally rewording my sentence, not wanting to piss the duo off any more, "I mean, you guys usually come to me for a good reason."

Well, not a good reason, unless telling me how hot the Anti-Me was or talking about women's hygiene products (which I definitely didn't need to accidentally know neither Katie or Sadie's usual PMS times) is a good reason. But I didn't want to piss anyone else off unless I had to.

"So," I continued, "What's on your minds?"

Katie and Sadie looked shocked that I pretty much asked them that. I was myself.

"Well, you're friends with Izzy, right?" Sadie asked.

"Say no more," I cut her off, matter-of-factly, "She's been messing in your clothes to find something sexually appealing to see if I'm really asexual or not, right?"

That had to be Izzy's intention. A week or so beforehand, Izzy questioned if I or Eva were homosexual. Eva explained that she was definitely straight, despite her butch looks, and I simply said that I wasn't homosexual.

Because Izzy doesn't have her head screwed on right, she thinks I'm either homosexual or asexual, and that I hugged Bridgette for "attention" and that "she would know."

She also mentioned that she would have a test soon with "some help from your fraaaands, it's Friday, Friday" (which was shut up by Eva, thank goodness), to test my homosexuality or lack thereof.

That had to be it.

"Actually," Katie corrected, "She was digging for our diaries."

Wait... What?

"When we caught her," Sadie continued as if she was reading my mind, "she said she was looking for something to figure out something about you, Noah."

"In your diaries?" I asked, raising a brow. This was weird even for Izzy.

It's weird and scary when you have to say something's weird even for Izzy.

Katie shrugged but gave me a smile, "She's your friend. I'm sure she's, like, totes just trying to do something for you!"

"Like buy me some totes?" The sarcastic comment escaped my mouth before I could even think about it.

Before either of the wonder twins could reply, Chris McLean's voice rang out over the PA, "Ex-competitors, meet me at the center of the Playa by the pool, pronto!"

Just when I thought we'd never hear that annoying voice ever again.

* * *

The thirty-seven of us gathered to the Playa, most of us looking sour but hopeful since we were called "ex-competitors." Maybe this meant it was over. I was met by a passing side five from Tyler, which made my hand hurt like hell, the lovable oaf. Owen was currently talking to Duncan and Gwen, so I just gave him a wave and decided I'd hang with him tonight.

In one corner of my eye was Cody, who was found by Sierra and was being "glomped" to death.

In the other was a certain red-head that had been the source of my headaches all day talking to Eva.

It was obvious which I decided to encounter.

"Hey, 'Norma Bates,'" I greeted Izzy in my usual bored tone, "You've got some explaining to do."

Izzy's usual hyper tone and expression she was holding when she talked to Eva automatically faded, causing both Eva and I to raise our eyebrows (er, Eva's only eyebrow in her case).

"Uh, Iz?"

"What!?" she shot back almost in a semi-angry yet jittery tone.

Well, that just happened. This caught the eye of Sierra, Cody, Tyler, Lindsay, Owen, Gwen, Duncan, and a couple of the two season four players (Dawn and Cameron, I later learned were their names).

"Nevermind." I thought it would be better to leave the psycho hosebeast alone.

Although, if the situation was reversed, she'd be hanging off of my head singing, "Three little monkeys, jumping on Noah's head" or something in an annoying attempt to cheer me up.

Eva shot me a look that pretty much inquired, "What the hell was that?"

I just shrugged. What else could I do? Make a melodramatic speech about, "Woe is our friendship because Izzy is most likely having Katie and Sadie's women issues?"

Okay, I'll stop the period jokes.

Spoilsports.

Chris McLean and Chef Hatchet walked out to the middle of the Playa, along with Blaineley O'Halloran, who was apparently out of her full body cast. Of course, except for a few of the nicer campers, the three were met with boos, jeers, and sneers, oh my.

"Quiet your applause," Chris laughed amusedly, which was met with louder boos and jeers, me now joining them.

This turned into silence when Chef shouted roughly, "Man said quiet your applause, maggots!"

"Thank you, Chef," another haughty laugh from Chris.

"What do you want now, McLean?" LeShawna asked, crossing her arms and glaring the host down.

"You guys, of course!"

A slight clamoring. One of the newcomers, her name supposedly Zoey, raised her hand and asked what was on all of our minds, "What for?"

"Yeah," Courtney added, curtly, "We're not playing your little game any more."

"Oh, there's no game," Chris confirmed, "You guys competed in your last season."

Sighs of relief all around.

"However," the jerk wasn't finished, "your contracts say you have to have one little thing done to never see me again."

"What?" Bridgette asked, "No, it doesn't...? ..Right?"

"Unfortunately, he's right," I felt like I was the only one who read the contract except for maybe Courtney who seemed to be aware of this catch. I continued, "We have to be part of this schmuck's spin off show to finally end our contracts."

This resulted in quite a number of angry curses that would have been censored if they were being recorded. Total Drama was a PG rated show, after all.

...How it kept that at that rating beats me. I mean two cartoons my younger cousins watched, Regular Time and Adventure Show I think they were called, were rated the same but they didn't get to watch Total Drama and for good reason.

No wait, Adventure Time and Regular Show. Excuse me.

"Correct, Noah-it-all!" I loathed that nickname, but before I could respond, he continued, "And what else but a spin off show about you guys in college?"

"Uh," another newbie by the name of Mike interrupted, "Everyone from season four's like only seventeen. We can't go to college!"

"Oh, don't worry," Blaineley spoke up and winked at the boy making Zoey clutch him protectively, "We've got it covered."

Groans were met throughout the entire cast, as interns began to pass out pamphlets to a certain Wawanakwa University.

My groan turned into a grunt in pain as I was elbowed in the ribs, "What was that for?"

The assailant was none other than Izzy, who was back to her normal happy expression, "General principles, Noah Boa! Hey! Izzy has to give you something!"

"A bruised rib?" Eva took my role of snarking, making me smirk. I've taught her well.

"Of course not!" the psycho red-head giggled shrilly, "Noah, I need you to meet me at the docks after dinner!"

I frowned, "I promised I'd hang with Owen after din-"

"AFTER DINNER!"

"Okay!" I conceded, "After dinner!"

I mentally noted that I would send her the bill for the hearing aid I now required.

* * *

The best thing about Playa des Losers was the food. It wasn't cooked by Chef, but by actual people who weren't paid to give us food poisoning. I spent that time with Tyler, and by proxy, Lindsay and Beth.

When I overheard Heather one day saying they became Katie and Sadie 2.0, she obviously wasn't lying.

I was glad to escape them. I told Owen we'd hang out in a few minutes, which he cheerfully responded with, "You bet! We'll do after dinner lunch!"

His glee and silliness was one of the many reasons why he was my best friend.

Passing by Ezekiel who was now healed and was talking to Trent, I made it to the docks where I was asked to meet everyone's favorite crazy as a bat Izzy. Of course, she was hanging off of the docks by her feet, whistling a tuneless tune. I sat down next to her but she didn't notice me to begin with.

"Uh, Iz?"

"Hi, Noah!" she flipped back up, accidentally kicking me in the head and knocking me on my side.

"Damn it!" she exclaimed, pulling me back upright, "Is your spongey head alright?"

"Spongey?" I replied in pain, holding my aforementioned head, "Out of anything you could have dissed me with, you picked spongey?"

"Silly Billy, that wasn't a diss!" she pshawed, "I meant succulent!"

"...What."

"Juicy?"

"What."

"Huggable?"

"Your not really making me feel much better, Iz."

"Oh, reeeeeeally?" Izzy asked, drawing out her words, "Am I annoyyyyying you, Noah?"

I rolled my eyes, "Not any more than usual." She just laughed in response.

She stared out at the lake, actually seeming peaceful for once. Her rosy lips returned to neutral position and her dainty legs crossed themselves. She seemed like an entirely different Izzy.

If I was Owen, I would have had the urge to kiss her.

But I'm Noah with a hurting head so I wanted to push her into the water.

"If you're not going to give me what you wanted to give me," I began, "I'll have Owen annoy me and injure me."

"Nono," Izzy quickly replied, "I'll give it to you! Prepare your body!"

It was then that I was sure. She was going to have Katie, Sadie, Eva, and Cody dressed in the anti-me's and Lindsay's clothes or some provocative attire to see what tickled my pickle so to speak. I just knew it.

...Well, I WAS sure until she grabbed my face and smashed my lips into hers.

Izzy just kissed me right then and there.

I bet you have the same thought as I did at the time: "What the Frankenstein's monster is going on?!"

Little did I know that this was the first domino effect in many that would change my life forever.

And no, not in a good way. This is not a happy story. For me anyway...

* * *

**And there's the first real chapter. What'd you think? Let me know through a review or PM or whatevers.**

**As for next time: What the "Frankenstein's monster" was up with Izzy randomly kissing Noah (other than obviously kickstarting the what the summary and prologue already told you)? Is Cody still upset with Noah? And why did he get upset in the first place? Will Owen ever get his after-dinner lunch? When will Heather, Courtney, Bridgette, and Lindsay start playing a role?**

**Find out next time.**


	3. The Winds of Change

**Onto more torturing Noah goodness!**

**There's one thing I want to explain to you guys before we start. This is an experimentation parody fic. As such, feel free to send in suggestions to see something happen! No, seriously. I endorse any and all suggestions. A couple that were sent in will show up in this chapter, after all!**

**As for the mystery behind it all, some of you were close (cough I'll Cover Angel and Collins cough), but the true theory of what's going on might be a metric ton weirder than you can believe.**

**This chapter, aside from the couple of suggestions, will mostly focus on Izzy, Cody, Courtney, and to a lesser extent, Heather. Owen, Tyler, Eva, Cameron, and Chris McLean himself will also play considerable roles this chapter.**

**And with that, on with the show!**

**Disclaimer: It should be obvious that I don't own Total Drama by now.**

* * *

**Arc one, Chapter Two: The Winds of Change**

* * *

I bet a lot of you were hoping I would reciprocate to Izzy's sudden affection, and that we'd run off and have a metric ton of Nizzy babies and live happily ever after, huh?**  
**

Sorry to disappoint you. I simply said nothing and walked away from her.

Yes, I can hear the jeering now. But reciprocating to something that came out of nowhere isn't in my personality. However, I was hoping we could talk it out in the least.

Okay, you can stop your boos, now!

The next day, I spent most of the morning packing and getting ready to head home. I wasn't too happy for the fact that I was being forced to go to some stupid university which destroyed my Harvard plans, but hey. It's Chris McLean. I should have been used to it by now.

After that, I came to a dilemma. I chickened out on going to Owen last night after the whole Izzy situation, as cliche'd as that may seem. This would be the last time I'd see him until fall, though.

Contrary to popular belief, I was an eighteen year old man. It was time to act like one.

It wasn't hard to find Owen, seeing as it was noon. He was simply at the food bar, chowing down on his second breakfast.

Inhale, exhale.

"Hey, big guy."

My best friend grinned, whirling around and replying, "Hey, little buddy! Are you as stoked as I am to be getting to go to college with everyone?"

"How can you be stoked?" I asked, honestly, "What about our own dreams?"

"I didn't really have the grades to be accepted to any good colleges," Owen admitted sheepishly before cheering back up, "But now, I get to go hang with you and Izzy and Duncan and Lindsay and Justin and Owen and Curly and Moe and Larry and-"

"Last time I checked," I interrupted, "the Three Stooges aren't on our show."

"Oh, I meant Cameron, Lightning, and Mike!" the big guy explained, "They put on a physical comedy act for us the other day!"

Seeing as Lightning supposedly hates Cameron, I don't think it was a comedy act.

"Aaaanyway," Owen drawled, before frowning, "About you and Iz."

Wait, what?

"What about me and Iz?" I asked, nervously. He didn't know, did he?

"Well, I saw you too kissing last night and-"

Oh, hell's bells, he did know!

"Look, Owen," I sputtered out, "She kissed me and I definitely don't-"

"I approve!"

"Wait, what?"

To my surprise, Owen wasn't nearly as upset as I thought. In fact, he was smiling as big as he could.

This tears it. I'm the only normal person on this entire show.

"Well, you and Izzy are my best friends!" Owen replied, "I want you two to be happy!"

"...What?" was all I could utter.

Owen then added, "Aaaand, if you guys ever needed a buddy to spice up the hubba-hubba life..."

"Double what?"

"I didn't say anything!"

* * *

After that awkward conversation, I found myself at my usual reading spot, trying to waste the day away. I didn't see a big reason on trying to keep dashing arounds in last hopes to see my friends, as we would be all stuck together for another four years by Chris McSchmuck. My book suddenly became shadowed by a certain person I really didn't want to see until fall.

"Hey, Noah Boa!" was Izzy's hyperactive exclamation as she snatched the book out of my hand and threw it in the water. That was the second book ruined in two days. Besides, wouldn't Izzy be pissed that her oh-so unromantic reveal was walked out on?

Apparently not.

"You owe me eight bucks for the book," was my deadpan reply.

"Pish posh!" Izzy shook it off, "Now that we're dating, you can get any boring old book some other time!"

Several red alarms went off in my head. Danger! Abort life! Abort life!

"Dating?" I finally wheezed out.

Izzy nodded, "Like, duh!"

No. Nononono.

"Izzy, I appreciate the kiss and all, but- Well, not appreciation. It was more like shock and-"

Izzy burst out laughing.

That's not a good sign.

"It's a Kingston family tradition," she explained, "The lass admits her feelings for the guy she likes, he freaks out and runs away, and that's pretty much like engagement!"

After letting that register for a moment, I replied with, "Since when did Owen run away?"

"When he left me to die by the hands of Chef, you silly billy!" she cackled, "Oh! And then there's the tradition of slugging them in the face to seal the deal!"

Damn. She was right. In an incredibly backwards and annoying way, but she was right.

Wait, did she just say...?!

Pap! I was slugged in the face, causing me to topple backwards into the water to join my soiled book. After resurfacing, I watched Izzy cackle like a witch and run off, obviously proud of herself. I could feel my eye swell almost immediately.

As you probably know, Noah and pain isn't a good match.

Even worse, three fellow ex-competitors were watching the whole thing. I sunk lower in the water as I heard Ezekiel applaud the whole situation.

"Way to go, eh!" the homeschooler congratulated, "She's a hot piece of-"

Trent cut him off, "As if you didn't already know Izzy had a thing for you, Noah."

"Yes," I sarcastically countered, "Because reminding me about an ear kiss, stuffing me in a backpack, and harming me on a daily basis is definitely a way to show me affection."

"I just assumed you were a masochist," Trent shrugged, making me groan in annoyance.

"Look, ah," one of the newer competitors who looked like she bathed in Oompa Loompa juice, I believe Anne Maria was her name, "I dunno who you are, but I've been lookin' for a juicy piece of gossip for a while! Ta!"

With that, she ran off, probably to tell the entirety of the Playa that I was either dating or engaged to Izzy, when obviously I was neither.

Damn you, MTV.

* * *

When you were friends with people like Izzy, Eva, Tyler, and Owen, you ended up going into the kitchen to nurse a black eye with a cold steak or bag of peas often. I was a born testament of this. However, I was surprised to see that I wasn't the only one nursing my injuries.

"What're you in for?" I asked the other scrawny kid by the name of Cameron.

He jumped at the sound of my voice, holding a bag of peas to his neck, "Oh, um. I was doing neck warm up exercises and I think I strained my neck."

...

And people call me hopeless?

I gave a grunt to affirm that I heard him, and closed my good eye, trying to let the cold steak on my shiner relax me.

"Um, Noah was it?" I heard his voice again, "I'm Cameron."

I reopened my good eye and muttered a tired, "That's the name, don't wear it out."

"Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"That you and that girl, um, Izzy, is dating?" he finally spit out.

"No."

"Oh."

A silence swept over both of is before he spoke up again, "Well, Anne Maria is spreading lies about it then-"

"I know."

"Oh."

Silence again.

This time I broke it, asking, "What's it like to win a season of Total Drama?" I then quickly added, "And keep the money, I mean?"

"Well, honestly, I only kept seventy-six thousand, nine-hundred and twenty-three dollars and seven cents of it," he admitted, "Not to mention an extra fifteen percent is deducted from it for tax. So I ended up with eleven thousand, five-hundred and thirty-eight dollars and forty-six cents for myself. Well, mostly for my bubble."

"How specific," I mused, half out of cynicism, half out of sincere curiosity, "Where'd a chunk of the mill go if you didn't keep it?"

"I gave it to the rest of the contestants from my season."

...Heh.

"You deserved to win," I groaned more than spoke, as I felt my eye relax under my steak. The shorter boy muttered a shy thanks in return.

We spent the last few minutes of our time in silence, tending to our wounds instead of speaking. We heard the door opened and a familiar voice spoke.

"Hey, Noah," Cody's voice caused me to re-open my good eye.

He then gave Cameron an odd look, before adding, "Woah. You making new friends?"

Cameron piped up at the word "friends." I felt a moment of sympathy and replied, "Something like that. You still mad at me?"

"Actually," Cody sobered, "That's why I'm here. To talk to you."

"Then talk."

He shook his head, "I'd prefer if we spoke alone."

Always a good sign.

* * *

Cody's room in the playa was cleaner than I expected. I honestly expected his room to be so dirty that as soon as I walked in, I'd get lost in a pile of trash, forever more to disappear and to never see my family and friends again.

...On second thought, in hindsight, that sounds like a good idea.

Nevertheless, my fears were calmed and dreams were shattered. It might have been because he had packed to leave that night, but his room was practically spotless.

I watched as Cody sat down on his bed and patted the spot next to him like a father reprimanding his son to sit down for a long talk.

What am I? Five?

Regardless, I obeyed and sat down next to him, "Look, Cody-"

"I'm like you."

I almost had a heart attack on the spot until I noticed he said, "I'M like you," and not "I like you." I quickly felt relieved, not wanting a repeat of the Izzy incident where I inadvertently became her boyfriend/husband/punching bag. At least in her mind. I was planning to set her straight.

"You're a crass asshole who hides behind a wall of sarcasm?" I joked, causing the brunette to roll his blue eyes.

"No," he snapped sharply before sighing, "I'm pansexual."

Blink.

I burst out into laughter. I didn't mean to, but come on. It's Cody. The Cody who chases after anyone with a pair of breasts. The one who was a Gwensexual. Him? With an added attraction to guys, transexuals, and everything inbetween? It was a riot!

...Until I noticed he wasn't laughing with me.

Awkward, thy name is Noah.

"Okay, quit pouting," I demanded, "If you were in my place, you'd find it hilarious, too. You're Cody. Seeing you pine over something that's not a girl is just... Mind-boggling."

Cody shrugged, "I prefer girls. Don't get me wrong. But for the past year or so, I don't have as big of a chemical aversion to other genders either. Less of, 'I LIKE GIRLS, DUDE' and more thinking on what if scenarios."

"So?"

I could tell he was getting the same snippy response as I gave yesterday to the word, as he snapped back, "What's that mean?"

"I don't care if you like boobs, weewees or both," I replied, matter-of-factly.

He snickered in response.

"What?"

"THE Noah-it-all just used the word 'weewee'," he explained, "Just... Never say that again."

I thought for a second before agreeing quickly.

"Just don't let it get out," Cody explained, his gap-toothed smile returning, "The ladies are still the Codemeister's main focus."

"Go get 'em tiger," I replied with fake enthusiasm.

"Speaking of ladies," his grin broadened, "I hear you're going to elope to New Jersey with Izzy and have a shotgun wedding at some sleazy-"

I tuned Cody out at that.

And I repeat, Damn you, MTV!

I interrupted Cody, asking, "You already know I don't see Izzy that way, right?"

He nodded.

"Brought that up just to annoy me?"

He nodded again.

"Screw you, Cody," I spouted, as the tech geek did a mini-victory dance at actually being able to trump me verbally without even trying.

Bang!

Cody's door fell down, revealing that Tyler had just ran into it. Before Cody could ask, he exclaimed, "I'm okay!"

Well, that just happened.

Cody didn't seem phased, as he wouldn't be staying in this room again anyway, asking, "Where's the fire, Tyler?"

"Fire?!" he shouted, scrambling to his feet.

I rolled my eyes and clarified, "He meant, why did you perform a football tackle on his door?"

"Oh," Tyler looked embarrassed at not getting it, before running up to Cody's bed and shoving a brochure of some kind in his hand, "I heard you guys were hanging! By the way, two guys in a bedroom will-"

"Make them talk," I cut him off, "Season one already made that as bad as it'll get."

"Well, three guys in a room might be worse," Cody offered, after he read the pamphlet, "Guess which three guys will be sharing a room together at college?"

"Owen, Duncan, and Geoff?" I deadpanned, already catching the obvious.

Tyler laughed, "Alright! The three of us will be the best roommates ever! We'll play Old Maid!"

"Old Maid?" Cody repeated, laughing.

"Wrestling?" Tyler offered.

"I'm allergic to wrestling," I smirked, amusedly.

"Old Maid Wrestling?"

I heard Cody laugh again and tell Tyler to give it up, as I got up and left the room to hide my growing grin.

What? So, I'm getting to be a roommate to two of my closest friends. You'd be fighting the urge to smile too, even if you were me.

* * *

After getting an earful from Katie and Sadie and lounging with Eva for a bit, I had escaped to my room for an afternoon nap. I'd need it, seeing as I was going back home tonight. But as soon as I felt drowsy...

Knock, knock, knock!

I opened one eye lazily and shouted back, "No one's home!"

Yes, Noah. THAT would solve that issue.

Knock, knock, knock!

I sighed heavily and got off my bed, swerving past the suitcases that were in my room to get to the door. Opening it, I was surprised to see that it wasn't Izzy nor Cody nor the wonder twins nor Owen nor Eva nor Tyler who was staring back at me.

Instead, I found myself face-to-face with the resident counselor in training who you'd think would at least be a full counselor by now.

"Miss Sues a Lot," I greeted, "To what do I owe this surprising visit?"

She turned her nose up to the air at my crass greeting, replying, "Well, I happen to have something you might find interesting."

"I find reading interesting," I droned, "I find video games interesting. I find deconstructional anime interesting. I find Kamen Riders, who are bug eyed superheroes, interesting. What do you have that'll wow me?"

She rolled her eyes, handing me a clipboard with her signature and Bridgette's signature. I looked at it, and then back to her, then back to it, then back to her. I could tell she was waiting for a sarcastic reply, so I gave it to her.

"Nice penmanship. Not necessarily wowing, though."

Who else but Noah?

"I need yours," Courtney shot back, annoyed, "Haven't you picked up your college pamphlet yet?"

I cursed that I didn't look at Cody's when I had the chance, and shook my head. A triumphant smile crossed her rosy lips, as she pulled out a pamphlet with my name on it.

"I knew you would procrastinate in picking it up until later," she explained, "So I personally wanted to give it to you."

Taking it out of her hands, I skimmed it until I found what I knew she'd care about. The contract section. Skimming it over for a minute, I was shocked by what I found.

"Prize money?" I asked, "By doing what? Having frat parties?"

"That's what I want to find out," she spoke, matter-of-factly.

Who else but Courtney?

"That's all good and well," I began, "but where do I fit into this again?"

Courtney opened her mouth then closed it and frowned, "I have reason to believe it'll be challenge oriented. I want an alliance."

"I'm flattered," my voice came out drier than usual, "Still doesn't explain. Why me?"

She pursed her lips. From watching seasons two and three, this usually happened before she candidly would scream the truth in her mind.

"Because Bridgette's the only person who likes me!"

"And I'm a viable option for friendship slash alliance, why?"

"Well, you have nothing against me," she spoke curtly, before adding a level of venom to her voice, "Do you?"

"Aside from hitting me in the head with a glass for just speaking the truth in season one?" I reminded.

For a moment, pure unadulterated sadness seemed to flash in her eyes. If I wasn't, well me, I would have hugged the poor girl. She quickly snapped back to her snippy self, replying, "Look. You're a fan favorite. I'm one of the best players in the game. And I know good and well about your crush on Bridgette."

My stomach sank.

"I have no idea-"

She cut me off, "I wouldn't ever break up Geoff and her. But you would at least have a chance to forge a friendship with her. So, please, Noah. I even said please, which I never say, ever."

True that. She must have been serious if she actually used the P word.

Huh.

Despite my better judgment, I said yes.

* * *

"So, you're going to be in a just-in-case alliance with the mini lawyer and the traitor surfer?"

I might have said yes to Courtney, but that didn't mean I couldn't relay that information to Eva.

"Not necessarily," I corrected, "Team E-Scope and Owen are still my top priority."

Eva grunted something that seemed to have been appreciative, or as much so as for Eva anyway. She continued, "Speaking of Team E-Scope, is Izzy's little crush on you gonna ruin our three musketeers act?"

"You actually are taking that normally unlike everyone else?" I asked, feigning shock.

She snorted. "If it's any consolation, Jo thinks you're not as big of a weenie since you 'tamed the savage beast.'"

"Give her my undying thanks," I sourly replied, "Katie and Sadie won't shut up about how cute it is, Lindsay won't shut up about how Noel and Isis is her favorite pairing, and this chick named Zoey keeps telling me how romantic it is, but not as romantic as her and this guy named Mike's relationship."

"You do know you're gonna have to do something about it.

I rolled my eyes, asking, "You think I don't know that, Iron Woman?"

"By the way," she changed the subject, "Thanks for the info on the alliance."

"I aim to please," I teased.

Eva rolled her eyes before asking, "The Spanish twerp and she-devil broke up today."

"Where did THAT come from?"

"They've fought all day," she shrugged, "Surprised you didn't hear about it."

"Even so, why should I care?"

"You hate Alejandro, right?" she pegged.

...Touché.

"Even so, why are you telling me this?" I inquired, "You don't seem like the gossip type.

"-Bleep- you, Noah."

I arched a brow.

"Did you just bleep?" I asked, bewildered.

Eva seemed frustrated, "-bleep- no, I didn't!"

The source of the censoring came from none other than Chris McLean with a small black box that let out a censor sound. "That never gets old," he chuckled.

"What do you want, Chris McSadist?" I asked, pointedly.

"Simple," he grinned, "You, Noah."

I sure was popular today.

I hate popularity.

* * *

Chris's room at the Playa wasn't surprising. It was ten times better than everyone else's, had a jacuzzi, and a bar, to boot. I was instructed to take a seat on his couch which I begrudgingly did.

"Want a drink, Noah?" the smug snake offered, "Water? Juice? Some vodka? I promise I won't tell anyone if you won't!"

"Save it," I declined, "Why am I here again?"

"It's about you and Izzy," he didn't waste any time in cutting to the chase, "Think you can be cruel to Owen? Stir up some drama? Be either the college's televised protagonist or antagonist?"

"What do you think the answer is?" I asked, rhetorically.

Chris didn't falter, "Come on, you never had a little attraction to Izzy?"

"Never."

"What about her legs?" he asked, the subject matter slightly creeping me out, "Sexy, aren't they?"

"All the better to kick me with," I countered.

"Her top?" he suggested, "You know, for such small boobs, they really... pop with that cleavage window she sports."

"All the better to hide dynamite in and blow us all to smithereens."

"Her eyes?" he tried once again.

"Chris," I cut him off, "Now you're just making it too easy."

He just laughed his obnoxious laugh in return. "How about someone else? Bridgette? You seem to like her. Lindsay? She's a keeper. Maybe Katie?"

"I'm not playing your game," I stood up and made for the door.

"You already have a thread of drama brewing," he warned, "You've seen it from Gwen. If you fight it, it'll just tangle you up worse."

I left the room and slammed the door, knowing Chris's vomit inducing smile that would have even made the Cheshire Cat frown was still on his face.

* * *

How cliché.

Not only was it clichèd, but it had the stink of Chris McLean all over it.

The cameras were rolling once again as the thirty-eight of us "said our goodbyes to Total Drama" while in reality, it was most of us lifting either a metaphorical or literal middle finger to the show.

One by one, we would board individual boats destined to go home. Of course, we knew it wasn't over, and probably a week after this ended, Chris would release a commercial announcing the new college spinoff show.

But no, all of this isn't the clichè I'm referring to.

Guess who has two thumbs and was one of the last ones to go home? This guy.

Guess who was standing on her head and was the other one left? Beth? No, it was Izzy, you morons.

We stood in silence for the longest time. Well, Izzy stood upside down in silence for the longest time, but that's against my point.

"Noah?"

Here we go.

"What?" I finally answered.

"Do you think I came off to you too strong?"

I mustered the sharpest glare and deepest deadpan that I could muster and replied, "No, Izzy. Not at effing all."

Not catching the sarcasm, Izzy leapt back upright and grinned, "I'm glad! Because I want this strictly casual! But watch out, when I'm separated from my playmates, I get frisky!"

I sighed in a mix of exasperation and fear. Exasperation because Izzy still wasn't catching the hint that I didn't want this. Fear because of the words "playmates" and "frisky."

Before I could reply, I felt her arms wrapped around me, as she whispered, "Can you at least humor me?"

It was then that I caught it. Izzy was lonely ever since her and Owen's break up. Romance isn't romance to her. Physical intimacy aside, she treated someone she liked just like the rest of her friends. She could obviously tell I didn't want to be in a relationship with her and that was her answer to that.

Or so I thought until she tumbled us both into the water. My last memory of Playa des Losers, being knocked into the water by a psychopath who had a crush on me.

With that, one chapter of my life was closing and a new chapter was opening. Oth about college and about my upcoming romantic entanglement. But not with just Izzy, oh no. There was going to be a lot more routes in this visual novel.

Enter Cody Emmett Jameson Anderson.

* * *

**Another chapter complete. Will Izzy ever get that Noah's not up for a relationship with anyone? What's up with the rumor that Alejandro and Heather broke up? How will college fare for our thirty-seven favorite teens? Will Tyler ever get to play Old Maid Wrestling? And will Cody be the next member of Noah's problem? That one I can say yes to.**

**Until next time!**


	4. Highschool Never Ends

**And thus begins the growth of Noah's problems. **

**Before we get started, I've got two things to talk about for this fic.**

**Firstly, let me clarify, not every suggestion will be used as they don't fit the tone of the story. For the most part, it's just a deconstructive non-subtle parody on romance fics and love-triangles/harems. Nothing more, nothing less. So if your suggestion isn't used by the time this story is finally marked complete, I apologize beforehand.**

**Secondly, let me let you guys in on a little secret. Originally, Eva, Owen, and Dawn were going to be a small secondary harem of sorts. Upon Dawn apparently being pretty well-received as part of the group even before her appearance in the fic, she's now part of the main pairings. Whether Eva and Owen will be demoted to just friendship roles, be kept as a secondary duo, or also promoted to main character status is still up in the air.**

**As such, the prologue has been slightly edited to mirror this new change.**

**Anyway!**

**Let's get this show on the road! Because we've got a lot to cover this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: You guys wouldn't want me to own Total Drama.**

* * *

**Arc one, chapter three: **Highschool Never Ends

* * *

The rest of the summer went by peacefully. But hey, it was a month away from Chris McLean. It had a reason to be peaceful.

I was the last kid in my household to be heading off the college and I knew as I got in my 2010 Dodge Charger, that they were hiding how happy they were to see me leave, be it at a real college or this farce Chris had forced us to.

Well, screw you too, Mom and Dad. You guys aren't on my mind.

As I drove, I heard my phone ding. A text. Opening it up for a split second to see who was texting me, I saw Cody's name flash on the screen. Tossing the phone in the passenger's seat, I decided I'd take care of that when the time arose.

I only kept up with a few contestants between the end of Total Drama and the start of this new hell. Izzy, surprisingly, wasn't one of them. I didn't want to text her and accidentally give her a chance to try and advance this imaginary relationship, but at the same ime, she didn't text me either.

I've learned at this point to not take peace like this for granted.

I actually texted Owen, Cody, and the wonder twins the most between seasons.

If you don't get why Owen and I texted the most, please rewatch World Tour.

Cody and I hadplans to make our rooming situation with Tyler as great as possible. And in the off-chance that this was a competition, we were already planning to work as a trio.

Of course, I left out the part where I also have Eva and Izzy as Team E-Scope on the side. Not to mention the whole "friendallianceship" with Courtney and supposedly Bridgette.

Eh, I'd cross that rickety bridge when I got there.

...What? You think having multiple alliances is smart, but not deciding what I was going to do until later is slothful? It's called brilliant, but lazy for a reason, guys. Something at least Katie and Sadie understood, seeing as they'd leave a million texts before I'd even reply once.

After a two hour drive, the Wawanakwa University had finally caught my distant vision. I'll admit it, I was shocked. It didn't look too bad. Sure, it was no Harvard, but it seemed close enough. It looked like Chris actually spent some good money on it, at least from the outside.

Key word: At least from the outside.

My first surprise, however, was finding out that almost each of the three college parking lots were almost completely full.

Just... What? There was only thirty-eight of us, not including Chris, Chef, and Blaineley. That didn't make any sense. There was other college students here; and unlike the Revenge cast who weren't the right age to be here but were forced to anyway, these were actual college age students.

This couldn't be too bad, right?

Ha. Funny.

As soon as I stepped out of my car, I regretted it. The words, "It's Noah!" sent me into frantic alarm. Apparently this had happened to other popular contestants like Duncan, as well. Which, honestly, I found hilarious that he was harassed like this.

At least I did until a fangirl tried to break into my trunk to steal my briefcase and sniff my underwear.

Chris, you surely are an evil mastermind.

* * *

I hated carrying things. Even worse, we were stuck with our suitcases until after the opening Freshman assemblies. Amusingly enough, it was more of an opening ceremonies than anything though, seeing as we were all technically Freshmen.

While Chris may be an evil mastermind, he sure is an idiot.

Making my way through the auditorium, I quickly found myself snatched up into a bone-crushing hug.

"Hey, Noah!" my attacker, Owen, chirped, "It's been too long!"

"It's been a month," I muttered and wheezed, "Can you let me down?"

Owen chuckled and complied, replying, "Sorry! I'm just so psyched!"

"For a new chance to be humiliated on national television?" I asked, deadpan.

"Oh, come on!" Owen chuckled, making his way to a pair of empty seats and motioning for me to sit by him, "It can't be that bad!"

As I sat down next to him, I inquired, "Do you have selective memory of the past five Total Drama seasons or what?"

"Selective memory of what?" he asked, simply. I smacked my forehead, but couldn't help but laugh.

My laughs soon turned into a shriek of terror as an orange blur swooped in and landed on my lap, accidentally kicking Owen in the side of the head and wrapping her arms around my neck.

"Hey, Noah Boa!" she greeted, "Hey, Big O!"

"Hey, Iz!" Owen didn't seem deterred in the slightest that he was just kicked in the left temple.

"Uh, Izzy?" I suggested, "Can you please get off? People are staring."

And by people, I meant a majority of the people around us. Some new girl named Staci uttered, "Ya, my great-great grandmother came up with pleading excuses to get people to stop looking at people."

"...I have no words," I found myself saying in reply.

"But you just said something," Another Revenge contestant, Dakota, corrected.

"Ooooooh!" Owen called, "She got you! High five, Dakota!" The girl left Owen hanging as she filed her nails.

"Woah woah," a lazy voice that I recognized as Geoff's spoke up from the seats behind us, "Izzy, we can't really see in front of you if you stay in Noah's lap."

Izzy stared at me, then back at Geoff, and by proxy, Bridgette. She unwrapped her arms around my neck and moved to the seat next to me, instead choosing to link my arm and hers as tightly as possible.

I'd have to thank Geoff for at least making it a little less embarrassing.

"Iz," I turned to her again, "Can you-"

"Nope!"

"You're hurting my arm-"

"Nope!"

"What do you mean by-"

"Nope!"

"I think I'll leave you love birds alone," Owen began, standing up. However, he stopped and sat back down after I gave him a sharp glare to help me.

"Hey!" Chef Hatchet's voice roared from the stage, "Crazy chick and scrawny kid! No public display of affection in the auditorium!"

Linked arms wasn't the biggest sign of affection ever, but I didn't care. Chef Hatchet, at that moment, was a wonderful man in my eyes.

"Oh yeah?!" Izzy challenged, standing up on the arm of my seat, crushing my hand under her shoes, "Who's gonna stop us?!"

"Wrist!" I hissed, "Hurting!"

Before Chef could reply, Izzy had lunged from the seat and engaged with him in the biggest boxing match I've ever seen. It would have even put Mohammed Ali to shame. However, as this was drawing more attention, I slunk down in my seat, holding my hurting wrist, wishing that the floor would open me up and swallow me right then.

Unfortunately, the floor did not comply.

* * *

The dorms of Wawanakwa University were just as bad as Island's cabins or World Tour's plane, if not worse. This just proved my theory about Chris. "If it looks good on the outside, it's gonna suck on the inside."

But I digress.

I noticed the door was already unlocked and ajar to our room, meaning I was definitely not the first one of my roommates to arrive. Not surprising. I did take my time after I had successfully escaped from Izzy, after all.

Tyler was sitting on what he claimed his bed (which hardly could qualify as a bed), and Harold was sitting on the one spare bed that I assumed was mine. Cody's stuff was on a bed as well, but he wasn't around.

"And that's how I found out I was so flexible!" Tyler exclaimed, before turning from Harold to me, "Sup roomie?"

"There a reason why the human dictionary's in here?" I asked, setting down my suitcase in a corner of the room.

"Gosh!" said human dictionary spat, "I locked myself out of my room, okay? And I have to wait until either Justin or Lightning comes back to get back in."

"Of course you do," I replied, not really caring, "Now, scoot over, will you? You're on my bed, and I wanna take a load off my feet."

Harold complied and scooted over as I sat down. He then added, with a slight snicker, "Hey, Tyler, don't you have something to give our friend?"

Friend isn't a word I'd use to describe Harold. Regardless, I mouthed off, "Better not be a noogie like you gave me when we first became friends, Tyler."

Tyler looked confused for a moment, not knowing what Harold was talking about. A light bulb seemed to have gone off in his head, however, as he snickered and grabbed a small piece of paper off of the nightstand and handed it to me.

"See?" he stated between giggles, "No noogies!"

"Boy, am I glad," I rolled my eyes as I opened the piece of paper.

_Dear Noah,_

_I know this is the worst time to tell you this seeing as you have Izzy in your life now..._

I stopped reading there for a moment to scoff. If I had anything to say about it, Izzy would be back to her normal self. My original stereotype on Total Drama wasn't called The Schemer for nothing, after all.

Re-scanning over that line, I continued to silently read the note.

_But I seriously have a crush on you. I just don't know how to admit it without writing it down. _

_Someday I might have the courage to say something._

_Sincerely,_

_Your secret admirer._

I somehow wished I could have seen the look on my face, seeing as when I finished reading it, Tyler and Harold took one look at me and burst out into laughter. Not even caring to humor them by voicing my worries, I crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it at the trashcan, missing it by an inch.

"That's not how you play trash basketball!" Tyler chastised me, "Watch how a pro does it!"

The lovable oaf dashed over to the crumpled up ball, ran back over to the beds, and threw the ball again, missing the mark even worse than I did. He quickly ran back, explained it was a warm up, and missed again, causing him to comedically run back and forth in a motion to show his skills, failing each time.

Harold, however, wasn't interested in Tyler's failings like I was, as he frowned and turned to me, exclaiming, "Gosh! How can you just throw away a love letter like that?"

"Technically," I replied, still amused at Tyler's antics, "I missed the trash can."

"I remember when I first wrote my love letter to LeShawna," Harold began in a state of happiness, "The look on her face when she figured out it was me, and we embraced in that first lip-locking kiss."

I grimaced, "Okay. Ew."

"I almost got it!" Tyler called out, even though he was far from succeeding.

"And don't you think it'd be unfair to not try to seek out your secret admirer?" the Napoleon Dynamite rip-off pressed.

I asked, "Don't you think I have enough troubles with the Izzy thing? Besides, it was so cliché, it almost made me vomit."

Harold placed a hand on my shoulder, didn't move it despite my glare, amd elaborated, "I know how it feels to be a ladies' man. With LeShawna, Heather, and Beth, my adventures never cease."

"Do tell," I played along, despite adding a few tones of dryness into my already monotone voice.

"Almost there!" Tyler announced.

"There's no more to tell," he patted my shoulder and stood up, "You'll know what to do, my brethren."

"Please never call me that again," I breathed.

"But alas," Harold announced, "I must bid you adieu. I promised Justin, Trent, and Cody that we'd have a Drama Brothers meeting. We were able to talk Chris into lettimg us play a few times on campus. Later, Noah! Later, Tyler!"

I just grunted in response to Harold's departure, and went back to laughing at Tyler continuing to miss his shot.

This went on for thirty minutes before he finally made it in.

* * *

I slept surprisingly well for someone who had Izzy constantly texting them that night. I think it had to do with not talking to Izzy through the summer that let me sleep through the merciless dinging my phone was letting off.

I thought a minute about the secret admirer thing as I got ready for the first day of class that morning. One theory was that it was written by Izzy in a Xanatos Gambit to push me closer to her. Remembering it was Izzy I was thinking about, this thought was quickly shelved. A more viable theory would be someone like the Anti-Me, Pierced Lip, or the Eel did it to just freak me out. Sounded about right.

In the extremely unlikely event that it was a real confession of attraction, I honestly had no idea who it would be or what would have caused said attraction.

Finally losing all interest in the thought, I continued towards the college's mess hall building for a good few seconds before I realized that Chef would be cooking. I quickly redirected my route to my first class and decided I would pick up something after classes were over. A degree in medical technology would not earn itself, and definitely wouldn't be earned if I had the urge to puke through all of my basic classes I'd have to take the first two years of university.

At first glance, I believed I was the first Total Drama contestant who had made it to the science lecture, or better yet, I believed I was the only one who signed up for the extra science class. This quickly was disproven, however, when I noticed the students already there were gathered around a short, blonde girl.

She was obviously a Total Drama contestant I'd seen once or twice while on the fifth season's playa des losers. Dana or something was her name. Feeling curious, I wandered into the small crowd around her.

"If you stay on your current path," she explained in a calm voice to a taller girl, "You'll definitely have no problems in your classes. Your aura enforces this since you seem to be a hard worker."

The girl widened her eyes and gasped out, "It's true! She really is a miracle worker!"

"Not a miracle worker," Dawn corrected, "I am simply an aura reader and fortune teller. Nothing more, nothing less."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes at this. I never had believed in either fortune telling or auras. It just sounded like a load of...

"I can assure you, it's not a load of bologna," Dawn spoke up, looking at me.

How did she...?

"Can you read minds or something too?" My snark came out more surprised than witty. For that, I mentally cursed.

She shook her head, "I could tell from your aura that you do not believe in the supernatural. And piled onto that, you seem to be a very neutral individual. Very interesting, indeed."

"In English?" my ability to snark quickly came back to me.

The moonchild didn't seem to be phased, "I would like to read your aura more, if you would care to let me read your palms."

"As great as that sounds," I deadpanned, "I'd rather not give my hand to someone I don't even know."

"I'm Dawn," she explained, simply, "Nice to meet you."

Damn it.

In a way, Dawn reminded me of Katie and Sadie. She didn't seem to take snarks to heart and definitely seemed happy at most given moments. Just like with Katie and Sadie, this creeped me out. But at the same time, she had that same calm demeanor that caused my not-so (according to Courtney, anyway,) secret crush on Bridgette to intensify.

In short, I didn't know if this girl intrigued the genius side of me, or repulsed the cynic side of me.

She broke me out of my thoughts, saying, "It would be fair to give me your name as well, right?"

Some Total Drama fan answered for me, "That's just Noah."

I can speak for myself, you know.

"So, I was right," she mused, "I thought I saw you around the playa before."

"And that changes anything?" I asked, stubbornly, wanting out of this conversation as quickly as possible.

"It does," her face lit up, "You see, a boy named Cody approached me yesterday and asked if he could have a personal reading. Afterwards, he gave your name for a reading, too."

Damn you, Cody.

"Will you hurry up?" a haughty guy asked, "I'd like to have my aura read before the professor comes in."

"Oh!" she exclaimed, smiling at the other person, "Yes. We shall get this done. Noah, will you mind meeting me at the center of the university tomorrow evening?"

"Whatever," I replied, as I wriggled my way out of the crowd.

Great.

* * *

I was surprised that Chris was able to hire actual college professors to teach us. Because of this, classes went by smoothly, aside from the annoying hourly "Messages from Dean McLean."

If I could, I would have pulled a Van Gogh and chopped off _both _of my ears right there.

I had found me a quiet place to study in a grassy area. Just me and textbooks. Complete silence.

That was, until my phone dinged for a text.

Izzy, now wasn't the time!

I waited for the inevitable onslaught of annoying texts, but none came. Just that one lone ding. As they say, curiosity killed the cat, and I actually bit to play said cat for once. Opening my phone, I was surprised to see it was an unknown number.

_Meet me in front of the East Building in ten minutes. I'll explain everything._

...I swear, if this ended up being my so-called secret admirer, I'd hang myself.

* * *

The East Building was where the choir, drama, and other extracurriculars of that form were held. I didn't care for singing and acting took too much work, so I assumed I'd never end up there.

My brain screamed, "Welp! No one's here! Go back to studying, Noah!"

Of course, before my legs could pick up on that, I saw a certain CIT approaching me. Joy, a wonderful conversation about hell knows what with the person who freaks if you say just one word against them. I was just thrilled to be doing that.

"Noah," she curtly greeted, "I'm glad you came."

"I'm not," I retorted, "I was trying to study."

"And I wasn't?" she shot back, "I just had a discovery that you might want to know about. You know how we're being televised, right?"

"Right?" I asked, raising a brow. This didn't sound good.

"Well," she continued, "I did some snooping around with Bridgette earlier. Chris has some challenge supplies apparently on their way soon."

"Challenge supplies?" I repeated, "Don't tell me..."

She nodded, "I was correct. This is a form of competition. I expect us to participate in a challenge any day now, and for someone to be eliminated. This is where our alliance comes in."

"Speaking of our alliance," I cut in, "We seem to be one person short."

"I know you're excited to be in an alliance with Bridgette," Courtney's matter-of-fact tone annoyed me, "but it's smarter for now for me to be an ambassador of sorts to our alliance."

"So, in other words, you're the leader," I mused.

"No!" she yelled out a little too quickly, catching the attention of a few passerbys.

I just stared at her. Breakdown of the truth in 3...

Her brows furrowed.

2...

Her lips pursed.

1.

"Okay, yes," she roughly answered, "but Bridgette doesn't like to be in charge of things and you're to lax to attempt anything."

"London, England ring a bell?" I reminded. That day was still bitter to me for the most part, but I didn't assume that it would still be bitter to her, too.

"Don't bring that up," she hissed, before calming down, "I'm going to have to meet with you and Bridgette separately for an hour a day to plan any and all strategies we'll need to make it to the final three."

"How are we going to spend an hour with each other without one of us ending up in a body bag, most likely me?"

"Simple," a smile crossing her face, "We're going to be study partners. One of the easiest ways to learn how to tolerate someone."

She gave me a look that said, "Try saying no. I already have a really good response that'll coerce you into taking me up on that."

"Why not?" I conceded without even starting, "It'd be nice to get some information from someone slightly sane."

"Exactly," she replied, extending her hand, "Now. Let's try this again. I'm Courtney Ramirez, your new study partner."

For once, the venom in her voice was gone.

I almost felt bad when I relayed every bit of our conversation to Eva five minutes later.

Almost.

* * *

I fell onto my bed. Walking across campus really wasn't my style. Part of me wished I could trick someone into recording my classwork for me, but the genius part of me felt that to be cheap and tacky.

The door opened to my shared room, and I opened an eye to check who it was.

"Sup, Noah?" Cody asked, walking over to the bed next to mine and reclining in it.

"Ever consider online college classes?" I asked.

He chuckled, "To get me away from here and from Sierra? Multiple times in the past twenty-four hours alone."

"Your fault for calling her your best friend," I replied, "The unspoken rule about stalkers is to never intentionally make it worse."

He shot me a glare before I rose my hands in defense and said, "Okay! Unintentionally."

Cody was quiet for a moment before asking, "You think I have a chance with Heather? You know, now that her and Alejandro are broken up?"

"Unless you're buff and evil," I countered, "I'd drop that notion."

"True," he conceded, "How about Gwen?"

"Spoken like a true Gwensexual," I droned, stifling a chuckle.

"LeShawna?"

"'Save it, short stuff,' come to mind?"

"One of the new girls?"

"Beats me."

He tapped his lip before asking, "What about Izzy? You don't want her after all."

"If you could save me from this hell," I sincerely replied, "that'd be great."

"Huh," was all Cody said as we drifted into silence.

After a few minutes of trying to dose off to sleep, I heard Cody's voice again, "What about you?"

...Was there a person stuck to the ceiling, or was he talking to me?

"What?" I asked, acting like I didn't hear him.

"You heard me," he answered, "Would I have a chance with you?"

And here I was hoping there was somebody hot glued to our ceiling and he was trying to ask said person out.

"Okay, that came out of nowhere," I dryly replied.

"Well, you know a couple things about me that not even Sierra knows," he sat up on his bed, turning to stare at me, "There's this spark, y'know?"

No, no, no spark!

"That's called friendship, Romeo," I snarked back, hoping to deter him with sarcasm.

He shrugged, "What's so different between friendship and romance anyway? The sexual component?"

Okay, who was this, and what had he done with Cody? This was coming out of literally nowhere, was making no sense, and seemed slightly out of character. As if it came out of a lackluster fanfiction just to see Cody and me in a naked heap, screwing each other's brains out.

Well, I'm not going to play that game. I quite enjoy my brain not being screwed out, physically or sexually.

"I've been thinking about this since Total Drama ended," he continued, "Maybe he person I've been looking for's been in front of me for the past three years."

Gag me with a spoon.

Before I could voice that, however, the pajama clad Cody was crawling toward my bed, now with a joking tone, "Come on, Noah. You freaked because I'm actually showing some hidden depths?"

In a sitcom world, Tyler would barge in the room right now and make this more awkward. It would then end up with us being just friends and Tyler saving the day.

In my world, instead, Izzy had just crashed through the window and was demanding that Cody let her "princess" go.

...No, I'm being serious.

"I knew my Izzy sense was tingling!" the red-head shouted, surprisingly unhurt from crashing through our window, pointing her index finger at Cody, "Keep your hands off of my princess know-it-all, you foul wench!"

None of this was happening, I told myself. It's just a bizarre, nightmare.

Upon pinching myself, I banged my head down on my pillow. Nope. Definitely real.

* * *

**Oh. Cliffhanger.**

**Was Cody really kidding like he implied or was he being serious? Is Izzy's Izzy Senses better than Spiderman's Spidey Senses? Will Heather, Bridgette, and Lindsay ever have a point in this story? Will Dawn's fortunetelling spell doom for Noah? Will Tyler ever perfect the art of trash can basketball?**

**Until next time.**


	5. Three's Company, Too

**Ironic that the newest chapter of this got posted on Valentine's Day.**

**That awkward moment when this fic just broke fifty reviews. I'm thankful, but really surprised, seeing as this is just a silly fic. But thanks all of you who have been reading so far!**

**Sorry for the late chapter. The combination of writer's block and the flu is a cruel mistress. Then I wanted to start a certain story and plan a couple of others ad got behind. I'm so sorry!**

**In response to two anonymous reviews:**

**Allie Cat- You're right! Izzy will bring up the topic of sharing Noah, but that's quite a while off. For right now, she considers Cody as a rival.**

**Anonymous- But Eva isn't too attractive either and she's part of the harem... All joking aside, Sadie and Beth weren't used because 1. I wanted to use the top eight or so Noah pairings, and 2. because I have something else planned for both of them.**

**In other news, Eva has been added to the main cast/harem. Owen, unless it's explicitly wanted by you guys to move him into the harem, is currently relegated to a best friend role.**

**Disclaimer: I own a DVD of TDI. Does that count?**

* * *

**Arc 1, Chapter 4: **Three's Company, Too

* * *

Cody exchanged a surprised look at me, as we both stared at Izzy. An awkward silence befell the three of us after Izzy crashed through the window, proclaiming me as her princess. I regained my composure and cleared my throat.

"Okay, I get it," I spoke, "This whole thing is an elaborate prank and no one has a crush on me. You guys almost had me."

Cody and Izzy then shared confused glances before turning back to me.

"Silly Noah Boa, Trix are for kids!" Izzy exclaimed.

"What?" I flatly responded.

Cody rubbed the back of his neck, clearly embarrassed, "I was actually serious."

I turned to face Cody, shocked, "Woah, now, what happened to being Gwensexual?"

"I still like Gwen," he admitted, "Like, a lot. But she loves Duncan. So I thought maybe it was time to move on."

My brain screamed out in terror, "To me?!", but I couldn't seem to voice it.

"So you attempt to take Princess Noah away from me?!" Izzy shouted, "Oh, Mr. Anderson, you shouldn't underestimate a woman scorned! Especially if said woman has contacts with the RCMP's most wanted, ayuh!"

"Okay," I cut in, "Number one, this is going way too fast. I don't like either of you that way. Number two, _stop calling me a princess!"_

Cody mused for a second before asking, "Well, is there a chance ever? You know, for you picking one of us?"

"What part of going too fast do you not understand?" I dryly asked back.

"Ohoho," Izzy chuckled, "You don't know going too fast. If I wanted to, I could make you pregnant, Mr. Smarty Pants."

Cody looked absolutely terrified by that notion, adding, "But Noah's a guy."

"Exactly!" Izzy didn't miss a beat.

"Guys," I tried to catch their attention, "I have an idea."

I mentally hoped that I had inherited my older sister's smooth talking. If I was able to perhaps stunt any development either way from Izzy or Cody until I could find a civilized way to tell them to back off, then I would take that course of action.

"Yeah?" Cody asked.

I mused over what my brain was coming up with before explaining, "Cody, it's obvious you still have feelings for Gwen. Izzy, I'm sure you still like Owen. How about you two think over that then come back to me?"

Simple, but a Batman gambit regardless.

Izzy and Cody each seemed to think about it for a moment, which brought me almost instant relief.

"Sounds good," Cody nodded, "I kinda had a lot of chocolate before said confession. I probably wasn't thinking straight."

That explained his reasoning perfectly. Cody never thought straight when it came to devouring a large amount of candy.

"Well," Izzy spoke, frowning slightly, before piping back up into a grin, "Okay! Izzy'll converse with E-Scope, Explosivo, Esquire, and Brainzilla about this!"

"Oh, have fun," I sarcastically quipped

Izzy leapt back through the window without another word, and Cody and I returned to bed. Noah, you're a genius. Next step, getting these two off of my back. And to clean up all the shattered glass off of the carpet in the morning.

After a few minutes of trying to drift off, I heard Cody's voice asking, "So, are you scared of commitment or what?"

...

"Go back to sleep, Cody."

* * *

The next morning at breakfast I explained my situation to Eva. She stared at me when I was finished before bursting into laughter.

"Gee," I deadpanned, "Thanks for listening."

Eva wiped a laugh induced tear from her eye, before speaking, "Sorry, runt. It's a lot more hilarious than you even know."

"And if it was you in my place?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Hey," she defended, "I told you to get Izzy off of your back as soon as possible."

...Damn, she made a point.

I slammed my head down on the cafeteria table, asking, "What do I do?"

"Either choose or die, seems like," Eva theorized.

"Or get impregnated by Izzy," I added.

"What?"

I paused, before uttering simply, "It's a long story."

Eva shrugged before offering, "I'm sure Izzy'll find someone else to pester by the end of the week. Not sure about your Cody situation though."

"It's not even like him," I replied, "And last time I checked, I do not have blue hair and wear black clothing."

"Meh," Eva muttered, "If it's bothering you so much, just tell both of them to leave you alone."

I furrowed my brows, asking, "Eva, do you honestly think that wasn't my intention? As soon as I think of a way to explain it without making it worse, I'm going to tell them I'm not interested."

"Typical, lazy Noah," she scoffed, grabbing her tray and standing up, "Talk to you later. Have a tutoring lesson with Cameron."

"Don't rough him up," I boredly replied, which she smirked slightly to as she walked off.

I frowned. Eva had a point. I had to think of something and fast.

* * *

Classes were once again easy as cake. Not to brag, but being a genius definitely helped. I walked back into my dorm room to pick up some extra books for my study session with Courtney when I saw Tyler and Lindsay making out on Tyler's bed like there was no tomorrow.

"Okay," I spoke up, staring at the two, "Ew."

The two quickly separated, Tyler blushing. Lindsay wasn't effected in the least however, and cheerfully greeted, "Hi, Nolan!"

"I'm not even going to attempt to correct that," I replied, walking across the room to pick up the aforementioned books, "Say, Lindsay?"

"Yeah?"

"Know where Tyler was last night?"

Tyler's eyes widened. Lindsay quickly explained, "He was in my room, duh!"

I couldn't help but chuckle and give Tyler a sarcastic, "Think she remembers more than your name now."

Tyler rolled his eyes before teasing back, "You're just jealous that your girlfriend isn't as hot as mine."

I felt relieved that he seemed to never have found out what happened with Cody last night, but I annoyedly replied, "Izzy's not my girlfriend!"

"That's what Cora said about Doug, too," Lindsay countered, "But look what happened!"

"Yeah, look what happened," I snickered, "'Doug' cheated on 'Cora' with 'Gretchen.'"

"Who's Gretchen?" Lindsay asked, confusedly, "Doug cheated with Gemma, remember?"

"I dated a Gemma once," Tyler added, "Chick was scary! Always wanted to know where I was, and once threatened to castrate me!"

I raised an eyebrow in concern, "Please tell me she didn't hurt you or anything."

"Aww!" Lindsay cooed, "Tyler, you owe me five bucks! Noel does have feelings!"

As Tyler reached in his pocket to give Lindsay the money, I rolled my eyes and asked, "Betting? Seriously?"

"Linds and I bet over stuff all the time," Tyler explained, "Like this one time if Harold was going to lose his trunks in the pool-"

Lindsay and I both winced at that thought.

"Before you guys ruin my afternoon with anymore creepy images," I scooped up my books and headed for the door, "I'm being forced to meet someone."

"Who?" Lindsay asked, sincerely.

"The devil herself."

* * *

I was shockingly surprised about studying with Courtney. She was extremely calm and serious when she worked, focusing solely on her studies at the time. Then again, seeing as she was someone with a perfectionist gland the size of China, this shouldn't have been too surprising.

"Already done?" she broke the silence between the two of us.

"I should say that to you," I replied, "Color me impressed that you're that brainy."

She rolled her eyes, "Seeing as I was in advanced classes all through highschool and on the honor roll, it's only natural for me to be smart."

"Right," I decided to humor her before asking, "Can I go now?"

"No," she curtly declined, "I already know everything about Bridgette, but I still need to know about my other alliance member."

"In other words, you want to be friends," I guessed.

"N-no!" Courtney crossed her arms, "I merely believe as the leader of this alliance, that I should know everything about my fellow teammates."

"Which we're not even sure that there's going to be challenges involved," I reminded.

"Oh, no," she disagreed, "I'm quite sure. My lawyers have been examining the fine print extremely well. It seems that when we were forced to sign for this, it included the same safety waiver as Total Drama had."

"That ingenious spawn of Beelzebub," I muttered, annoyed at Chris's ingenuity in the matter.

"Spawn of Beelzebub?" Courtney asked, smirking, "I'm pretty sure he _is _the devil himself instead of the devil's kid."

"Would that make this college hell?" I asked.

"Maybe," she agreed, "And if so, that means that Total Drama's the innermost circle."

"Not surprising," I concurred, "Then again, so are most reality shows."

Courtney arched a brow and asked, "Then why did you sign up for one?"

"To use my smarts to conquer the competition."

"That worked out well," she deadpanned.

"Coming from the woman who gets close every season only to be cut short each time," I countered.

"Still made it farther than you," she proudly stated, "Competing in over fifty episodes of Total Drama's a feat, you know."

"Unless you're Duncan or Owen," I mused, "Then you're just hogging the spotlight."

Courtney shrugged, "I guess. Then again, I got some nasty letters about my prolonged participation too."

"You antagonized everyone on the second season," I reminded, "You were a long shot from Old Saint Nicholas."

"I did what I had to," she haughtily defended, "By the way, a Santa analogy so didn't fit in the least."

"Oh, sorry," I deadpanned, "You were a long shot from the virgin Mary then."

"Better," she shrugged, standing up, "Oh, by the way."

"Mm?" I asked, standing up as well.

"Bridgette wants to meet up with you later."

My heart almost stopped right there. Damn you, highschool crushes.

* * *

I found myself in a shady spot on campus, playing some video game an older sibling had bought and given to me for my seventeenth birthday. It wasn't the worst game I've ever played, but it sure wasn't any Legend of Dragonwood (which I had beaten six times.)

"Mind if we sit here?"

I looked up to see Cameron and someone I vaguely knew as Mike. Just shrugging, I let the two take a spot beside me, Mike taking out some homework and Cameron taking out a book on butterflies.

"I'm Mike, by the way," he introduced himself.

I just replied with a simple, "Noah."

"Did you guys hear what Jo found out?" Cameron asked, tentatively.

"That Lightning wouldn't know correct genders even if they bit him in the aft end?" I teased, not looking up from my game.

"Well," Cameron paused, "That too."

Mike added, "That Chris is planning something at midnight tonight?"

Cameron widened his eyes, "How'd you guess?"

He shrugged. "It's Chris. Duh."

"Why midnight tonight?" I asked, "That's vaguely specific."

"It's Chris," Mike repeated in a teasing manner, grinning, "Duh!"

I stared at the ex-MPD before replying, "Well played."

"Do you think it's going to be a challenge?" Cameron asked, gulping, "Or another competition? I have to keep my grades up and my mind focus or my mom'll freak!"

"No way," Mike shook his head, "That'd go against the contract to do a competition."

A lightbulb went off in my head, "But challenges are still fair game as long as no one's voted off!"

"Exactamundo," Mike nodded.

"Man," Cameron sulked, "I thought we were done with challenges. I'm allergic to pain."

"So is everyone, dude," I dryly consoled, before letting out an admittedly girly scream when a certain orange blur fell out of the tree and onto me.

Silence.

"Well, that just happened," Mike laughed.

Yes. It certainly did.

* * *

"What the hell, Izzy?"

"I was just watching you play video games is all!" she replied, faux innocently.

"Uh-huh," I wasn't impressed, "What happened to thinking about what I said last night?"

She easily rebutted with an, "I did!"

Oh.

"And?" I arched an eyebrow, my inner self hoping she was just waiting for the best moment to tell me that this was all just an elaborate prank.

"I wanna make this a competition between me and Cody!"

Wrong answer, Izzy!

I slammed my hand onto my forehead and asked, "What part of me looks like a prize?"

"Your big head?" she asked, not missing a beat.

I paused before asking, "Okay, then why me? That's all I really want to know."

Izzy pursed her lips before quickly changing the subject, "Did you know that Ezekiel is part dog now? He's like a were-Zeke! Isn't that awesome?!"

"Yes, spectacular," I deadpanned, "Now, will you answer my question?"

"What question?" she asked.

"You know good and well what question."

"Nope!"

"Izzy!"

"What?"

I scowled, "Answer the question!"

"Nope!" What.

"What do you mean by 'nope?'" I asked, getting annoyed at this point.

Izzy easily rebutted smirking, "Silly Noah, only someone's boyfriend should know someone's inner most secrets! I'll only tell you if you stop playing hard to get, ice ice Noah!"

"Okay, number one," I snarked, "'Ice ice Noah?' Is that a pun I don't get? And number two, I'm not ready for a relationship with you or Cody. Especially since neither of you are explaining jack squat."

"Welp!" she grinned mischievously, "I guess you'll never know! Later, Noah!" With that, she backflipped away, leaving me bewildered and irritated.

I would have loved it if a passing through sniper would have shot me right then.

* * *

Owen mused for a second before replying, "I dunno, little buddy! Izzy told me everything when we were together!"

"Helpful," I sighed.

My best friend then perked up saying, "I think I do now though!"

"Oh?"

"We were dating ever since we made out," he explained, "I just wasn't playing hard to get like you, buddy!"

"I'm not playing hard to get," I explained, "I'm not wanting part of this in the least. With her or Cody."

"Cody?" Owen asked, bewildered.

Crap.

"Oh, Noah!" he nudged me, "You sly dog! I didn't know you swung both ways!"

Yet we all know you do, Owen. But I refrained from saying that.

"Right now, I want to slam a bat into my face," I scoffed, "I should be in Harvard studying my ass off, yet I'm here in a love triangle while Chris McLame is most likely laughing at my troubles."

"Isn't that his job though?" Owen asked, before adding, "I think he needs a hug. Everyone needs hugs!"

I arched an eyebrow, "Hugs aren't that potent."

Owen gasped. I paled. Oh no.

He pulled me into a bone crushing hug that I would definitely feel for weeks.

* * *

After escaping from Owen's hulking grip, I felt my phone vibrate. Another text from Courtney.

_Come to the west side auditorium._

I immediately texted back, _Where did you even get this number?_

_Cody, _was her short answer.

Why was I not surprised?

Pocketing the phone, I headed off for the west side of campus. I already had my fill of the Hulk-in-Training, so I wasn't that happy to be in the same room as her again.

Of course when I arrived, the certain brunette Latina was replaced by a certain fair-skinned blonde.

Also known as klutzy surfer extraordinaire, and my crush, Bridgette. When Courtney told me Bridgette wanted to meet with me, I didn't know she was serious or this soon. Despite all, I kept neutral and asked:

"You got roped into the CIT's alliance too, huh?"

Smooth, egghead.

She nodded, but her lazy-eyed expression didn't change, "No one else would give her a chance but me."

I almost replied with, "I wonder why?", but held my tongue.

"My biggest question is," I spoke up, "How come Geoff isn't part of this?"

Bridgette frowned slightly, "Duncan."

"It always comes back to him," I mused, dryly.

She shrugged, before asking, "Why did you join her alliance?"

"When a pitiful-looking girl comes to my door, I just can't say no."

The surfer gave me a skeptical look.

"In other words, I was bullied into it," I clarified. That seemed much more of a correct answer to her according to her nodding head.

"If you don't want to be part of it-"

My mouth spoke before my brain did, "No, no. I'm fine with it."

Bridgette arched a brow before asking, "You sure?"

Not really. But I nodded, regardless. "Was the reason why you wanted to talk to me because you thought she bullied me into it?"

"Pretty much," she confirmed. I did leave out the part that I only joined the alliance to get closer to a girl that had a boyfriend, but details, details.

"Then can I go now?" I impatiently asked. My chest couldn't handle much more of it.

"Not without a hug."

I arched a brow.

"Hey," she defended, "If I gotta work with you, I should be able to tease you, right?"

My only response was, "The Yukon never happened," as I exited the room. I did hear her light laugh as I left though.

That beautiful, melodious, light la- Argh! Get it together, Noah!

* * *

Sunset was growing closer. I was dreading that meeting with the creepy aura girl more and more. If I had any luck in the world, perhaps she forgot about it.

I frowned. College was more boring than I expected. But such is life for a genius (I kinda wondered if that silent B guy felt this way too). Scrolling through my phone, I decided to text Katie, because, sure. Why not? I hadn't had enough headaches for one day.

_Yo, Tweedle-Dee, where're you two? Haven't heard your squealing since I got here._

After a minute of waiting, I got a response,_ Lyk, main lobby._

I decided once I got there that I'd ask what a "Lyk" was.

* * *

"Hey, Noah!"

One voice, but not two? What in Bill Nye's laboratory was going on here?

"Sadie," I greeted the lone BFF, "Where's your twin?"

"She's having girl issues."

My eye twitched, "Ew. TMI."

The pig-tailed girl sitting on the lobby's couch shook her head, exclaiming, "No, silly! Other girl issues!"

"What? Justin decided to take up streaking and she's now stalking him or something?"

Sadie shot up, "JUSTIN JUST TOOK UP STREAKING? OH MY GOSH, I GOTTA SEE!"

The girl dashed away, leaving me standing there, dumbfounded. Why must I be constantly surrounded by idiots? Not one second after thinking that, someone tapped my shoulder, making me jump.

"Oh," a slightly familiar voice apologized, "I didn't mean to make you jump."

So the moonchild didn't forget after all. How wonderful.

"Dawn, right?" I asked, rolling my eyes, "Let's get this over with."

She nodded, taking a seat where Sadie sat and patting the cushion beside her, "Yes, let's! Come sit!"

She was way too enthused for this. Of course, when I didn't have any enthusiasm for palm reading and psychic mumbo-

"Do you still believe it's mumbo jumbo?" she asked when I didn't take a seat beside her.

...Damn her.

Despite my better judgment, I took the seat next to her and she quickly snatched up my hands. Cold! Cold! Seriously, who's hands were this cold?!

"Alright, I shall first peer deep into your aura," she began, "To try and read what your soul thinks."

"You're joking, right?" I asked, before quickly being shushed by the girl.

"Okay, other than your neutral aura," she mused, "I believe you have some worries, do you not?"

"Other than your hands freezing mine?" I deadpanned.

She seemed to ignore that, continuing, "It seems you have troubles in the romance department. Indecision or apathy. Is this true?"

Creepy. "You could have learned that from anyone," I argued, "It's been going around like wildfire."

Once again, she seemed to ignore me, "If you continue on the path you're on, you'll definitely run into a situation you can't escape from. If you could, I'd like to read your future and aura a few times in the future. Is that alright?"

When she finally let go of my hands with her freezing ones, I asked, "So, you're going to make me into an experiment?"

"No, no!" she declined, "You intrigue me slightly. I believe friendship is in order, and further evaluation of your-"

From that point on, all I heard was psychic mumbo-jumbo.

* * *

It didn't take me long to go to bed. My mind was wide awake, so I wasn't quite asleep yet. Cody was also in his bed, and Tyler was hell knows where doing hell knows what with Lindsay.

"Say, Noah?" I heard Cody's voice from the other bed, "You awake, man?"

"I am now," I lied.

The brunette sat up in his bed and turned to me, "I thought about it. I wanna pursue both of you."

What the actual hell?

I sat up at that, snarking, "Didn't know you were into polygamy."

He shook his head, "I'm not. I just wanna get to know you since Gwen's in a relationship."

Even though I didn't have feelings for Cody, being relegated to sloppy seconds wasn't the best thing to be told.

"And if I don't want that?"

Cody seemed to frown, "I'm used to being brushed off by everyone but Sierra anyway."

Well, that certainly made me feel like a jackass.

We sat in silence for a few seconds, before he had cheered up in his usual bouncing back way, asking, "Say, Noah? What's your favorite color?"

...

"Go back to sleep, Cody."

* * *

I finally had drifted off to sleep for a good five minutes before...

**HONK.**

I leapt off my bed and landed on my face. I looked up to see that Cody had done the same thing. An airhorn over the PA? Really, Chris?

I heard McLame's voice announce over the PA, "You know what I've been missing since Total Drama ended? Challenges! All ex-Total Drama competitors meet me in the front of the main dormitory in ten!"

The saddest thing about that was the only thing going through my mind was, "I never learned what 'Lyk' meant."

* * *

**Another chapter down. **

**A little question that will have bearing on the next chapter. Who would you like to see Noah team up with on the challenge? It can be any Total Drama contestant (including Blaineley). But there might be a little more important to the overall if it ends up being one of the main story focus characters.**

**Until next time!**


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